Fat Girl Problems

Ok, so it’s not like it takes a rocket scientist to get that we all have problems. I like to think of myself as having the worst kind of problems- FAT GIRL PROBLEMS. While some people may think that I’m overreacting, most of us actually have a lot of fat girl problems! 

I figured the easiest way to separate the majority of my issues was by season!

Summer:

1) Getting into strangers/friends/family members car… never fun when you’re wearing short shorts… It happens to me quite often because I’ve got hot legs and I know it. Anyway enough about my gorgeous legs. When summertime comes, I turn into a sweaty whale and my body thinks it’s cool to start sweating like effing Super Aqua Club. Whenever I’m the passenger in someones car, they ALWAYS have leather seats! Why can’t people be cheap and get the fabric seats so I don’t need to show my sweaty butt cheek marks when I leave their car. So not cool. Also, with the sweat thing, sometimes I wish I had no hair. I sweat and my hair always looks wet. I always get the “Oh Hey! You’re doing the wet hair look, so nice” and I’m all like “Oh Hey, You’re doing the I-just-got-out-of-bed look, right?” Don’t be rude people. Fat people sweat, more than others. I’m going for the sweaty hair look by the way.

2) Ice cream. I just love ice cream. If I could, I could eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. To be honest, I’m not so much into the actual ice CREAM part, but I like the yogurt better (I wish it was me being healthy, but it’s actually that the taste is better) I’m not sure if this whole froyo thing is a new thing in Montreal, or if it’s going on everywhere, but anywhere I look, there’s a new frozen yogurt store. Like literally on every corner! Everyone around me is Instagramming their latest cute frozen yogurt inventions with fruit and granola toppings and I’m here like  getting a behemoth sized portion and top it with pop tarts, brownies and high fat sprinkles. But I swear it’s been over a year since I’ve decorated my $20 frozen yogurt like a horse.

Fall:

1) All the skinny girls are wearing Uggs, and I want to wear Uggs too. How is it that after only three months with mine they look like they’ve gone through a hike through the rainforest and I look at everyone else’s and theirs are all nice with no salt stains -and their interior fluff is still nice and fluffy. I don’t know if maybe it’s just me, but I am such a klutz! (For those of you non Jewish term friends of mine, a klutz is a clumsy or stupid person this according to the dictionary, not me.) I always manage to walk into puddles, or wear them on the one day in the fall that it snows and then I get salt stains all over them. Anyway, Uggs last me 6 months, when they last the normal Ugg-Wearer 6 years?

2) In the fall comes Halloween. Halloween is my second least favorite holiday of the year. November 1st is my most hated day of the year. Half Price Candy Day. When all the delicious ungodly Halloween mini treats go on sale. Who even invented the whole knocking on peoples door and getting cute bite-sized candy? Why is Halloween a time when stores become filled with yummy snack sized delicious chocolate bars and candies. It’s like those candies are trying to haunt me and make it a scary Halloween for me- how rude! Just saying!

3) Also, in the fall, right before the ungodly snow comes, I’m in denial about winter coming, so I still stick with my summer wardrobe. Since I sweat like a horse in church, I think it works out perfectly for me and I’m happy about it. I still get stares, but it’s because I’m pretty.

Spring:

I hate spring for one reason, and one reason only. It’s gym season. I am fat. I hate the gym. The gym makes me feel like I am an asthmatic old lady on a treadmill dying a slow and painful death. I can only imagine how special I look when I’m working out. Before I go out in public, I usually make an effort, to put on some makeup, brush my hair, look presentable. When it comes to the gym, it’s just like I didn’t even try, and I’m in there to be miserable! I mean, I know it’s good for me and all, but I just don’t like it. I don’t like running because everything wiggles and jiggles and I just look like I should be in the circus. I will stop being so hard on myself now- If I can like doing one thing at the gym it would be weight lifting. I seriously enjoy doing weights though. I look in the mirror, and I see my exposed collar bones, and my muscles in my arm coming in, and then I’m all like “Ok, I guess I like it”. I guess at the end of the day I can’t really make up my mind about the gym. I love it, but I hate it. It’s good for me, but it’s … good for me.

Winter

1) Ungodly winter. Winters in Canada are not fun. Winters in general are not fun. Unless you’re a snowman and you like to freeze and get frostbites all day, then winter is super fun! As I am still in denial about the seasons changing, I do not dress properly for the winter. I continue to wear leggings, and t-shirts, and see-through blouses. Winter does not look good wardrobe wise. When I actually need to dress for winter, I usually end up wearing capes and moomoos. It’s nothing attractive-trust me.

2) I like to bake. Because I’m hibernating for three months until the spring comes, I take it upon myself to turn into Betty Cocker. I bake everything. I don’t even like sweet foods since surgery, but I just like baking and to see what my delicious treats come out like- and then post a picture on Instagram, because that’s how I roll-obvi! . I don’t like COOKED treats, but I do like to lick the bowls and spoons when I’m done.

3) Winter sucks. I prefer to sweat

I could just be a really angry person, or I could just hate all seasons. Either way, I’m Jewish, and still technically obese, so I like to complain and I kinda have a lot of right to.